Chapter Text
"Good morning!" Charlie said brightly. "How did you sleep?"
"Great, until I found something of yours." Cain said, dropping Nifty on the table in front of Charlie. "She was in my closet."
"I'm so sorry about that!" Charlie said. "She must have snuck in at some point. She has this weird tunnel system that she uses to get around everywhere, so no matter how much you lock your door, she's still gonna show up-"
"What?!" Cain exclaimed. God, this place was weird.
"But it's nothing to worry about! She's harmless. Mostly." Charlie said. "...Anyways, how did you sleep?"
Cain shrugged. "Fine, I guess." The truth was that he hadn't really slept all that well in centuries. But it wasn't like he was going to start telling this stranger about his nearly nightly hallucinations of his dead brother every time he tried to relax.
"Well, let me know if there's anything I can do for you, ok?" Charlie said.
"Will do."
"Do you want anything for breakfast?"
"No thanks. I don't really eat much anymore."
"Well, if you change your mind-"
"I won't, but thanks."
Charlie watched as Cain trudged out of the kitchen. Of course, she had heard stories of the First Murderer ever since she was young. Sometimes she had imagined him as a monster hiding in her closet or under her bed. But the real Cain? Just like Adam, he was nothing like she had imagined. He was a lot quieter. Sadder even. For someone who was supposed to be the first streak of evil in humanity, he didn't really live up to it.
"Don't feel bad." Charlie turned to see Eve sitting in a nearby chair, looking out the window. "He prefers to do things his own way. He's been like that ever since he was a baby. Is something wrong?" she asked when she caught Charlie staring at her.
"Oh! No, I'm so sorry. It's just..."
"I look like your mother?" Eve asked, smiling gently. "I know. I get it."
"I heard that you used to look exactly alike." Charlie said.
"We did once." Eve said, nodding. "I changed things up. Even if I was intended to just be another version or copy of Lilith, I didn't want to stay that way."
"I can understand that." Charlie said, sitting down next to her. It had been four days since she and Cain were initially introduced to the rest of the hotel. Cain had been rather aloof, avoiding everyone as much as possible. Eve on the other hand had been trying her best to speak to and get to know as many people as possible. "I'm glad you both decided to stay, though."
"I'm sure Cain would say that he never agreed to stay, but I'm glad we did too." Eve said. "I suppose it's definitely gotten a little lonely after all this time. It's nice to have some people to talk to again."
"Have you and Adam talked much?"
"Here and there. But if you're asking about discussions about important things, I can't say that we have. I think he didn't expect to get as honest as he did during dinner, and after. He might have freaked himself out a little. Which is a shame, I would have liked to hear more of "the f*ckening." But it's definitely not out of character for him."
"All of this has got to be so intense for him." Charlie sighed. "I can't imagine how it must feel, having all of this stuff from his past come back. He had such a hard time adjusting to my dad, and now..."
"I don't think I'd be able to cope with it." Eve said, nodding. "But Adam has always been far more adaptable than he gives himself credit for. He's a survivor. He's carved out a new way of life every time the world throws something new his way. And I'm more confident than ever that he'll be alright."
"Why's that?"
"Because he hasn't been alone." Eve said, smiling. "That was always my biggest worry. I always knew that we would be separated after our deaths. I was afraid that he would shut himself off. I suppose he did try to, but it didn't end up that way in Heaven or down here. I'm glad."
"I want to try to talk to him, but he's been pushing everyone away." Charlie sighed.
"Give him time. He definitely never intended to reveal that last secret to everyone." Eve said. "I think that was the biggest shock of all to him."
Everyone had stared at Adam for a painfully long time, trying to determine if he had really said what they thought he had said. Finally, it was Lucifer who spoke first.
"So, what you're saying is...You never actually ate the apple?"
"It was like, in my mouth and stuff." Adam said, shifting his weight awkwardly as he avoided eye contact. Why hadn't he been able to shake his damn habit of blurting out his most important secrets the moment he got upset enough!? This was getting ridiculous! "But I didn't swallow it or anything. Guess it looked pretty convincing, because I was the only one who ever knew. Until the end where I told Eve when I was dying."
"I don't understand." Lucifer said, shaking his head. "You've always acted like you received the knowledge! You have free will! But you never actually...I don't understand this at all!"
"You think I do?!" Adam shot back.
"Well, that would explain it." Lilith mused. "Why you ended up in Heaven and Eve ended down here in Hell. You never fully participated in the first sin. I should have realized that was the case."
"So, if you never ate the fruit, then you never really gained a moral compass...Oh my god, everything makes so much sense now." Vaggie said.
"What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?!" Adam demanded. "I managed to get by! Acting skills or whatever! Context clues, all of that sh*t!"
"Do I have a moral compass?" Cain said, mostly to himself. "If one parent does and the other doesn't...You CHOSE to leave Eden?!"
"Of course, I did! I already lost one wife, and that was because she was a bitch!" He raised his middle finger at Lilith briefly, who raised one of her own back in return. "That nearly broke me! So there was no f*cking way that I was gonna lose another wife, that being the one that was actually good to me!"
"Hey, are you ok?" Charlie asked quietly, lightly touching Cain's arm. While she was just as shocked as the others about Adam's revelation, the look on Cain's face was honestly rather disturbing. A mix of shock, horror, and self-loathing. Cain didn't answer her, hardly seeming to notice that she was speaking to him.
"This doesn't make any sense!" Lucifer exclaimed. "You definitely have free will! I mean, at least I think you do?! You choosing to leave Heaven shows that you do, but if you never actually ate the fruit...What the hell?!"
"This is exactly why I wasn't planning on telling anyone!" Adam yelled. "Because now everything's even more f*cking complicated! I don't know why I couldn't do it! I wanted to! Maybe if I had, sh*t would have been better from the start. Who even f*cking knows?!"
"And here you said earlier that you were going to tell us everything." Lilith said smugly. Damn that bitch!
"Clearly I was interrupted." Adam said. "But you know what? Fine. You all know that now. I don't know if I'm an angel or a human or a demon or a sinner or a winner. Maybe I f*cking clung to the idea of being a perfect angel so damn hard because deep down, I didn't know what the f*ck I was. Maybe it's just my f*cking destiny to be stuck in this gray area of never knowing what to think or do. That sounds about right."
"Adam-" Charlie started.
"Save it, Charizard. I don't have anything else to say right now. I got sh*t to think about." Adam left without another word, leaving the others to stand there, completely confused by the conversation.
That had been four days ago. Adam had been trying to think through things for the past four days. He wasn't even sure if what he had been doing counted as thinking, at least not all the time. He had started replaying every f*cking moment of his life over again, at least the ones that he could remember. Had he come to any great revelations? No, not really. But he wasn't ready to face the outside world yet. And honestly, he didn't even know why!
Today's train of thought concerned Lilith. Honestly, all of this went back to her. Everything that had happened recently, and everything that had happened back then. Adam had spent his day trying to think through everything she had said to him from back in Eden, to Heaven, to now. She was always so f*cking smug about everything, always acting like she had some kind of ace up her sleeve. Giving up her family, her "dear informant" whatever the f*ck that meant, probably that she had been keeping an eye on Hell even while she was in Heaven, probably already knowing everything that was going on...
Wait a damn second.
"DEER!" Adam yelled as he burst into Lucifer's room.
"Yes, honey?" Lucifer said.
"I-Wait, what?"
"Sorry! That was a reflex." Lucifer said. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages, are you ok?"
"Deer! Like the animal!" Adam said.
"Uh-huh. A deer is an animal." Lucifer said. "I'm already starting to worry about you-"
"No, listen! Deer! Deer informant! Lilith told me that she had a deer informant back when I first let her into Heaven!"
"Wouldn't that be the other kind of dear?"
"I thought so too, but what if it wasn't?! What if she was talking about Alastor?!" Adam hastily stumbled through his explanation behind this thinking. What he already knew about Alastor and Lilith, Alastor's reactions to Lilith, anything that might even vaguely relate to this.
"I knew there was a reason why I didn't like him!" Lucifer exclaimed. "It all makes sense now!"
"He's been her eyes." Adam said. "No wonder he's so f*cking pissed she's back. I was already sure she owned his soul, but this changes things. Did she just use him as a spy this whole time?"
"I don't know, I wish I did." Lucifer said. "But don't you see what this means?! All of our Alastor hate is justified!"
"I know, that's like, the one good thing to come out of all of this." Adam said. "What if he knows something? About why she left, what she's planning, I'll take f*cking anything at this point."
"Am I the first one you told about this?" Lucifer asked.
"Yeah." Adam admitted. "I wanna try and keep Lute out of the past marriage sh*t. She's like, the only woman I know to not be wrapped up in that. I wanna try and keep it that way. I don't know if that's possible-"
"Say no more. I get it." Lucifer said. "But how are you feeling?"
"Huh?"
"About everything."
"Pretty f*cking sh*tty." Adam shrugged. "Life was going pretty ok. I was working through my issues and sh*t. And now, Lilith's back, Eve and Cain are back, and my former best friend is trying to kill me. I didn't think I left things off that badly with him! But he's the one who's gonna try and kill me?! Like, literally all of your brothers have more reason to try and kill me at this point. Sorry for not telling you about that earlier, by the way."
"It's ok, seriously. Honestly, I'm glad they had you. I seriously never thought about how all of this impacted them. I guess that's one of the many reasons why I'm the sin of pride. But you seemed to have helped them out of that slump."
"At least until I made it worse again."
"Adam. Listen to me. I can't imagine the absolute stress you've been in all of your life. I had no idea that you never actually...I don't know what to make of it. Honestly, it's freaking me out. I'm starting to worry that half of the sh*t I did was literally for nothing. Was I trying to give humanity something you already had all along? It's so weird to think about! But we can both freak the hell out about that later." Lucifer put his hand on Adam's shoulder (it was a bit of a reach, but he made it work). "We're going to make this work. All of it. Lilith, your past, Cain and Eve, your batsh*t crazy friend, all of it. We're going to get through this."
"Why are you being so cool?" Adam muttered. "You should be f*cking pissed at me for making everything even weirder."
"I told you. I'm your guardian angel now. I got your back no matter what. I owe you as much, and I want to. I really, really want to. I don't know what to do about Lilith. But I believe everything you've said. In that way, you've done more to protect my daughter than her own mother has."
"I literally planned to kill her."
"But you changed! And I guess along the way, I've started to change too." Lucifer said. "So, I don't know, let's keep changing together. For the better. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. Maybe the best. We understand each other. We're both f*cked up, heartbroken, and terrible fathers."
"Yeah. I guess I really can't judge you anymore, huh?" Adam sighed. "Now that you've seen my son and all."
"Hey, he seems like a good kid! Who technically isn't a kid at all given how old he is at this point, but still! You helped me start to work things out with Charlie. I want to return the favor! And since you're friends with my daughter, I want to do everything in my power to become friends with your son!"
"Yeah, good luck with that." Adam said bluntly.
"I know, that's gonna be a challenge." Lucifer agreed. "But I'm still going to go for it! You and me, we're in this together, no matter how much crazier it gets. That's a promise."
"I'm glad I didn't kill you, for what it's worth."
"Please. Like you could have ever succeeded in killing me." Lucifer said, smirking. "I'm still the devil, you know."
"And I'm still the First Man, so...f*ck you, I guess."
"We can fight about titles and the fact that I will always beat you later." Lucifer said, snickering as Adam halfheartedly kicked at him. "What are we going to do about this?"
"I mean, I think our next move is obvious." Adam said. "Talk to that f*cking "deer informant" of hers."
"So, that's basically where we're at." Charlie concluded. "...Any questions?" Her audience, which consisted of Rosie, Carmilla, Zestiel, Mammon, Beelzebub and Asmodeus, stayed quiet for a moment.
"Charlie, no offense, but where's your father?" Asmodeus finally said. "Even on top of all this extermination stuff, I got 37 succubi that are MIA. I can't just sit here and let that happen."
"Well it's not like we don't bloody know what happened to 'em." Mammon said. "This Malachi c*nt probably already killed 'em."
"We don't know that for sure! If they're still out there, I gotta get some kind of extraction into swing." Asmodeus argued. "Again Charlie, no offense, but did you pull us all here together just to give us all this bad news?"
"If there's going to be a fight, we're going to need reinforcements." Charlie said in a small voice. "I reached out to as many sins and overlords as possible, but you guys are the only ones who answered. If we're going to stand a chance against Malachi, we're going to need to all work together. That's how we've all survived in the past, isn't it? Working with the people around us?"
"This will only be the second time the lower rings have ever been at risk of the exterminations." Beelzebub said. "So, I don't know if that really applies to us..."
"I know how impossible and hopeless this seems." Charlie said. "But I think we have a fighting chance! Adam has inside intel on Malachi, and we have a lot of useful people already. If you guys join forces with us-"
"Charlie, you just aren't hearing me, are you?" Asmodeus said. "I can't even think about taking on another project until I know whether or not my succubi need a rescue or not!"
"I don't think Malachi would take prisoners." Vaggie spoke up. Charlie had initially insisted that she didn't need Vaggie to come with her, but she was glad that Vaggie had insisted anyways. "I'm sorry, but they're probably dead. If you want anything, it should be revenge. This is only the start of things."
"When I asked Adam earlier about his thoughts, he suggested that this might be an attempt to cut Hell off and cause a divide between us." Charlie said. "I think he's right. So, and as sorry as I am to say this, if you keep focusing on the people you lost, you're playing right into Heaven's hands."
"Is it true you have Cain on your side?" Beelzebub asked.
"Yes, he's here at the hotel." Charlie said. "But-"
"So, then what are you worried for?" Carmilla asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is he not the strongest warrior in all of Hell? Stronger than even some of the sins?"
"Well, yes, I have heard that." Charlie said. "But Cain doesn't really want to-"
"Well, sh*t. If ya told me you had that maniac on your side, I never would've shown up." Mammon said. "You don't need me if you got a powerhouse like him doin' all the work for you."
"Cain said he doesn't want to fight! He isn't going to." Charlie said. "So, we can't exactly rely on him."
"What?!" Beelzebub said. "I thought violence and fighting were literally his things."
"They were." Charlie said. "But he's given that up. He's a pacifist now."
"He's a WHAT?!" Mammon yelled.
"I mean, that's what he told me..." Charlie said in a small voice. "And I get it. He doesn't want to be a part of this-"
"So, he gets a pass, but we don't?" Mammon asked.
This was not going well.
"Not you again!" Cain exclaimed, grabbing Nifty by the back of her dress and lifting her into the air. "What the hell do you have? A knife?!"
"Yes!" Nifty said brightly.
"God, everyone here is a freak." Cain muttered. "Come on, let's go find someone else for you to stalk."
When he tried to round the corner, he almost ran smack into someone else. "sh*t, my bad-" He froze in place, his eyes meeting the sharp, poisonous purple eyes of Lilith.
"So, you're what I might have ended up with if I stayed with Adam." Lilith mused, looking Cain up and down. "Not bad. But far too similar to Adam for my taste."
"God, not you." Cain muttered.
"Oh, surely you don't blame me for the way your life went." Lilith laughed.
"At this point, the only person I have left to blame is myself." Cain said. "Not that it's any of your f*cking business."
"You know, I heard all of the stories of the wandering barbarian." Lilith said. "The slayer of any and all sinners and monsters that had the misfortune of crossing his path. You sent fear through the hearts of the entire realm back in the day, but then you just disappeared. What happened, sweetheart? Luci and I had a bet riding on when you'd show up to try and kill us."
"Sorry to disappoint." Cain said coldly. "I'm not a huge "barbarian" type of guy anymore. I gave it up. Just like you gave up being the Queen of Hell. I guess we're pretty well-equipped to understand each other. We both know what it's like to live so long that your existence becomes meaningless without some type of change."
"I suppose we do."
"But there's one major difference." Cain said. "You gave up your family. I reconnected with mine."
Lilith didn't answer him, instead reaching out to touch the violent, red, hand-shaped mark that covered the left side of Cain's face. "It certainly is hard to hide, isn't it?"
Due to his hands being full with a squirming Nifty, there wasn't much Cain could do to keep Lilith from dragging one finger along the mark. "Yeah, that's kind of the point." He pulled away and pushed past her, not having anything else to say to Lilith. "For the record, I'm glad I never actually tried to kill you or Lucifer."
"Because you'd lose?" Lilith asked sweetly.
"No." Cain said back, just as sweetly. "Because you're just not worth it."
It was just Cain's luck to escape Lilith only to run into another person he wasn't entirely sure how to interact with (not that he really knew how to interact with anyone that well).
"Oh. I thought you were Adam." Lute said. She was clearly disappointed. That definitely added to Cain's entirely positive mood.
"Sorry to disappoint again."
"Again?"
"Never mind. Here. Take this. I don't want it, and I'm having a hard time getting rid of it." He held Nifty out to Lute.
"I don't want it either." Lute said. "That's the thing that almost killed your father."
Cain Lifted Nifty up to face him. "Try harder next time-OW!" He dropped Nifty as Lute kicked him hard in the shin. "The f*ck was that for?!"
"Show a little respect. You're still a sinner, and your father is the greatest commander the exorcists have ever known." Lute snarled.
"Are you sure about that? Sounds like this new guy just might have him beat." Cain said. He could feel his temper flaring. That familiar hot, suffocating feeling was sweeping over him. No, no, no, he couldn't let that feeling win. Deep breaths. Stay calm. He could stay calm. He was very calm..."
"What would you know about Heaven?" Lute asked. "Not much, considering you're the first sinner."
"Yeah, I'm aware." Cain said. "Look, we don't have to talk to each other. We don't even have to look at each other. I'd prefer it if we did that, actually. I'm only here for my mother. I don't have any interest in talking to the rest of you. Especially the ones who are only going to equate me to my father or talk about my past."
"With that mark on your face, I wouldn't say you really have a shot of escaping your past."
"Whatever." Cain sighed. He didn't have the drive or energy to deal with this right now. He had no idea where the f*ck Nifty had gone, and he didn't care to try and find out (she'd probably show up to stalk him again before long, regardless). He moved to push past Lute as well. Hopefully he'd actually make it to his room this time-
"You were the most powerful warrior in all of Hell!" Lute yelled after him. "Why would you ever give that up?!"
Wow, this girl really was determined to get on his sh*t list. "Because it was miserable. There's more to life than murder, anger and violence."
"There is. But not much more."
"...Great. Well, bye." Cain said. Who even was this woman to his father? A subordinate? A friend? A lover? He honestly couldn't tell. Well, whoever she was, she clearly meant a great deal to him. And by extension, probably didn't think much of him. She'd certainly be staying on his list of people he wouldn't be speaking to much.
Foiled again. Just before Cain managed to make it to his room, he was waylaid by another person. And it wasn't just one person this time. It was a whole group of them! Just his luck. And for some reason, they were holding tiny costumes? Were they for those weird eggs? Honestly, weird eggs having an entire fashion line wouldn't be the weirdest thing Cain had ever seen in Hell.
"Cain, hi!" Emily said excitedly. "How are you doing today?"
He'd be better if he was in his room, alone, without any people nearby. "I'm fine."
"We're working on a pet fashion show!" Emily said excitedly. "Do you want to see?"
No, not really. "Sure."
Cain sat patiently, watching as the hotel residents showed off various strange outfits for various strange creatures, including those three weird egg things that kept on trying to follow him everywhere. If this was how weird the entirety of Hell had gotten, he was glad he had stayed out of things.
"So, what have you been doing for all this time?" Emily asked casually.
"Yeah, I was curious about that too." Angel agreed. "I mean, most sinners don't last that long with the exterminations and all that. But you managed to survive."
"It probably wasn't worth hunting me down." Cain shrugged. "I stuck to the outskirts of Hell. I stayed away from heavily populated areas. I didn't even notice when the exterminations were happening half of the time. I was too busy trying to drown myself in my own rage."
"You don't seem like a very angry person." Sir Pentious commented. "Vagatha seems to have a much harder time controlling her emotions than you do."
"I've put a lot of work into it." Cain shrugged. "I used to rip people apart with my bare hands if they pissed me off. And people just trying to talk to me pissed me off. There used to be a lot of roaming creatures and monsters that Lucifer used in the war against Heaven. I singlehandedly reduced their population. I spent most of my time killing and hurting things."
"So, what changed?" Cherri asked. Cain shrugged again.
"I woke up one day and asked myself if this was what I wanted to do for the rest of eternity. I'd tried to check out, but no matter what I did, I was still here."
"Wait." Emily said. "You mean you tried to..."
"Kill myself in every way imaginable?" Cain said. "Yeah. Nothing took. I got kinda hooked on trying, even after I knew it wouldn't work. The pain was like a drug to me. I was a f*cking mess. I hurt myself almost as much as I hurt others."
"Oh my god..." Emily whispered.
"Don't feel bad for me." Cain snapped. "Every ounce of suffering I've ever gone through, I deserve it. And besides, I got myself through it. I'm fine now. I'm stuck here no matter what I do, so I might as well try to live a productive life. I wish I figured that out centuries before I did, but what are you gonna do?"
"Damn." Angel said. The respect in his voice was clear. "Not just anyone can drag themselves through the lowest part of their life like that."
"The lowest part of my life was practically my entire life." Cain said. "I spent all of it, both as a human and a demon, hating everything around me. But there was nothing I hated more than myself. Some of that's definitely come back after learning some of the recent stuff...But it's whatever. I'm a different person now. I don't have to do what I always did. And I have my mom to look out for now too."
"Was finding her what got you back on a better track?" Pentious asked.
"Part of it, yeah." Cain said. "I was basically a mindless killing machine. I didn't even think about finding her until I ran into her one day. I had just gotten done torturing myself. I already knew that I couldn't succeed in killing myself at that point, but I tried anyways. She found me, fixed me up, knocked some sense into me. And that's what got me thinking. For someone who's been in Hell almost for as long as I have, she's done really good for herself. I figured that I could try to be more like her...Why are you all looking at me like that?"
"You're like, super well-spoken!" Angel exclaimed. "I always pictured you as some kind of hulking monster that only communicated by screaming or something!"
"I've thought of you like that before too." Emily admitted, blushing. "I'm sorry. In Heaven, there are so many stories of what you might be like, but you seem so well-adjusted!"
"Trust me. I'm not as well-adjusted as I look." Cain sighed. "Listen, I really respect you guys for what you're trying to do. Maybe I've become some kind of self-improvement junkie, I don't f*cking know. But it's hard sh*t. So, kudos to you guys for trying to make it work."
"You mean you know what the purpose of the hotel is?!" Emily asked excitedly. "I thought you didn't know! You've been acting like you didn't!"
"I heard about it before, ok?" Cain said, crossing his arms. "Don't look too deep into it or anything. I was just curious."
"Hell, at this point, check in and join us." Angel said. "Daddy issues or not, I bet you'd fit in with us. We can all make it to Heaven together." He added sarcastic jazz hands for flare, but Cain could tell that part of the offer was genuine. Why? Was that just the way people were here? Or did they want something from him? Or maybe it was just because of his connection to his father. Either way, his answer remained the same.
"No thanks. I'm not a people person. The only reason I've stuck around this long already is for my mother. As soon as she wants to leave, I'm out of here. Besides, it's too late for me. I could be the most perfect, pure, virtuous soul in all of Hell, and it wouldn't get me into Heaven. That's what I was told, at least. Multiple times."
"Wait, you talked to someone about redemption?" Emily asked, leaning forward, almost falling into Cain's lap (Cain resisted the urge to scoot back from his cross-legged position on the floor. This girl was waaaaaay too close to him...).
"Sort of. It wasn't really about redemption in general. Just me. But I guess I asked about it a little. Why?"
"No one knows if it's possible or not." Emily said excitedly. "That's what this hotel is trying to find out! That's why I'm here in the first place! We had this whole court case thing, and your dad was there, and basically we learned that no one really knows if it's possible to redeem a soul or what gets them into Heaven in the first place! But who did you talk to?! Maybe they know something we don't about souls!"
"Well, he at least knows about souls. That's kind of his job." Cain said.
"Who?" Pentious said blankly.
"The Harvester. The Pale Horseman. The Grim Reaper. The Angel of Death." Cain said. "I guess he's got a lot of names. Doesn't really fit him, to be honest."
"Oh! You mean Azrael?" Emily said. "I know him! He's so adorable! He's the only person I know who cries more easily than I do!"
"You met the Grim f*ckin' Reaper?!" Cherri exclaimed.
"Death cries really easily?" Angel asked blankly.
"Technically, everyone who's ever died has met him." Cain said. "So, you've all met him. But you wouldn't remember. It seems that after you make it to Hell, you forget ever meeting him. But for whatever reason, I remember him, and the conversation I had with him."
"That's true, I never thought of that." Emily said. "He reaps each soul personally."
"How the f*ck is he in that many places at once?" Cherri asked.
"I dunno. Weird angel sh*t." Cain shrugged.
"Wait, don't tell me that all this time, Azrael was the one who judges all the souls." Emily said. "Is that possible?"
"I wouldn't know that either." Cain shrugged once again (his shoulders were going to cramp up at this rate). "It wasn't like I ever needed to be judged. It was pretty clear where I was going from the start. But he said something along the lines of me meeting my eternal fate, never getting to see the gates of paradise, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, I decided to be a dick about it and ask him what it would take to get a soul like me into Heaven. I was kinda pissed over dying and took it out on him."
"What did he say?" Emily asked.
"He asked me if I was deaf because he'd just said that it was impossible for me to get to Heaven. But I guess he did say something else that you might be interested in. He mentioned something about how awkward it would be for him if all of the Hell souls made it into Heaven, and how that would be a literal nightmare."
"...That sounds like something he'd worry about." Emily said. "But you make it sound like he thought it was a possibility."
"Who knows? I wouldn't call him the most reliable source. But I wouldn't be surprised if the Archangels are hiding something. f*cking angels, you can't trust them." Wait, he was literally talking to an angel right now. God dammit, this was why he didn't talk to people! He kept f*cking up like this. "...No offense."
"None taken." Emily said in a small voice. sh*t, Cain had totally hurt his feelings. Sure, he held a lot of rage and resentment towards angels, but this one seemed far too innocent and naive to be a part of any grand conspiracy.
"I never really thought about Lucifer have f*cking brothers." Angel said. "Hey, was Death hot?"
"I mean, that really wasn't what I was thinking about." Cain said drily. "And this was thousands and thousands of years ago. I kinda forgot what he looks like. But I know it was kind of horrifying. At least, his angelic form was. His humanoid form looked pretty normal.
"Hey, Em, you knew the Archangels, right? Are they hot?" Angel asked.
"I mean, it's Heaven, everyone is pretty hot." Emily said. "But I liked all of them. They were so good to me. They treated me like a little sister. They're a lot like Lucifer in some ways, but also completely different. I'm not sure if all of them would get along with you guys though, sinners or not. They took Lucifer's betrayal pretty hard."
"Yeah, I can understand sibling drama." Angel said. "But seven brothers, goddamn. And they're all hot. If I ever make it to Heaven, I'm gonna make it my goal to get nailed by all of 'em. I'll tell Death where he can shove his scythe."
Cain snorted before he was able to stop himself. Ok, that had been kind of funny.
"Wait, what?" Emily said. "I heard getting reaped by his scythe really hurts."
"It may not be wise to take a second strike." Pentious agreed. "Do we even know what would happen to a soul if it's hit by a soul-cleaving weapon? There's nothing left to cleave!"
Cain had to physically bite his tongue to keep from laughing. Wow, those two really were too oblivious, innocent, or both to pick up on the meaning of the scythe statement.
All in all, he supposed that these guys weren't too bad. He had caught sight of Nifty peering at him from a crack in a doorway, but now that he was more relaxed...he didn't totally mind talking to them. It was kind of nice in a way. Maybe he didn't really hate people as much as he thought he did...
But he couldn't allow himself to get too comfortable. He couldn't afford to let his guard down. Not with the dangers around him, both emotional and physical. Doing so might lead to another catastrophe. He couldn't let that happen, not when his mother was here.
Besides. His last close relationship definitely hadn't ended very well at all.
